I don’t know if you guys are into cults and secret societies, but I for one love ’em all.
I recently joined a secret society which sends members undercover to infiltrate other secret societies.
So far the society is doing well, and I can happily report that I survived the Initiation Ritual.
For I cannot go into detail about the Initiation Ritual, as it would violate the first rule of our society; which is to never discuss we have been hogging all the cheese in the world so that one day we can sell it to all those cheesy devouring humans during the upcoming Food Crisis Awakening.
It’s an exciting experience, being part of something so secretive that the whole world kinda just knows about it.
We for one, aren’t for the antics or all the mystical stuff — we’re simple minded people.
We believe in restoring the world to it’s original form, by slowly de-commercialising all things secret, and then commercialising by selling their secrets.
I’m not allowed to discuss all the details, such as how we’re landed a 7-Part Docu-Series with Netflix and a few of the cool members of VICE Media are following us on our very very secret facebook page.
Our initiation method is simple, if you see us walking around like we do not give a fuck; it’s because we don’t. We’re like those cool kids back in high-school who never got enough attention from our parents so now we go around getting attention from strangers; no matter the cost.
Recently we pulled one of our biggest stunts by pretending to be a famous Rapper by the name of Eminem and releasing a diss album named after the famous Japanese Fighter Pilots. I cannot name the pilots as it’s a direction violation of Code: Alpha Sectorum Sectorum.
Suffice it to say the album is doing well, and is contributing well to our cause.
We have also formed relationships with other societies and made contact with an organisation known as ‘Vegans’, they’re a very special and like-minded people.
Expect they only eat Vegetables and Love Animals more than Humans. We on the other hand do not love either, instead we worship plants and we consider them to be the highest form of Life.
We have our own meditation which we call “Cactusisum” where we poke each other with pins and pretend to be cactuses; in the hope that we our brain evolves to a high-level of awareness and we truly feel no pain.
The elimination of pain process is key to our goals; which revolves around enduring a great deal of ass-fucking in the later stages of the Society as one moves up the ranks.
Whilst the society recognises no-genders, as genders do not exist, we instead all wear our specially designed Cushion Suits which give us a neutral shape that eliminates all Racial and Gender bias.
Whilst this is all I’m about to write about our society, we hope that you too will join our movement.
Because it is one filled with joy and great value.
You’ll realise the benefits of true-freedom as you sign away your entire life over to us; which includes your banking details, your families, friends, relatives, any property and assets that you own, and your self-esteem.
We welcome people of all types.
Even the disgusting homeless types.
They’re all welcome — to our very Secret Secret Society.
Whilst I am prohibited to discuss our name, as it would only invite more controversy and attention which is not needed; I can safely assure you that it is definitely not ‘UnemployedBumsMatter’.
HE HE HE HE!
!yad ecin a evah. :)