We broke up.

So this is a really sad day, and umm…I’m not quite sure how to even start this conversation; you know?

I mean fuck man, shit, fuck shit, shitty fuck, all my life…I thought we had something, you know?

We shared our moments and all those gooey make out sessions, and those sweet sweet millions of views we reeled in; ahh shit…well, I don’t even know what to do now.

Guys, just I’m so sorry to have to make you go through this…I know this my private life, but you guys are my true love and deserve to know the whole truth about me.

This girl, she was never my girlfriend.

I paid her to pretend to be my girlfriend and develop an online relationship with me so that I could become famous.

Now that I’m famous, I think we need to realise the reality of this situation — fuck, we’re breaking up!

Yeah, I just can’t afford to pay her anymore and well shit, I earn enough on my own now that I don’t need her on my podcast and vlogs.

Frankly, she’s way out of my league anyways.

Look at her, Just LOOK AT HER!

Now look at me.

Keep looking at me, wait for it.

I finally squeezed out an ear drop and it flows from my left eye down a patch of rough skin, finally hydrating my deeply moisturised non-existent beard.

Did you guys know I don’t have foreskin?

Well that doesn’t matter, I don’t get laid anyways.

Look, just let us cry for a few more minutes; in front of this camera — she still has 6 minutes left on her contract and frankly I’d like to milk every second of it.

WE BROKE UP!

Okay?

Yeah. My imaginary girlfriend and me, we’re done!

It’s over.

Goodbye.

Feel sad for us.

Make sure you leave a like and donate to my Patreon.

Leave a comment down below and please let others know how you wish this wasn’t true, and that you wish it was clickbait.

But it’s not, it’s us — and we broke up.

So let’s milk it, together — as one.

Our online cult grows strong, and I promise you in about 6 months; we’ll renew her contact and make sure we do a vlog called “We’re back together!”

Actually it will be more like,

“GUESS WHO IS BACK TOGETHER?!”

Or maybe

“WE’RE BACK!”

But what’s most important is, I love you guys; and please always remember, I’ll break up with a dozen more girlfriends just to entertain you guys.

Hell, I’ll even cry a pint.

Because I don’t do this for views, I do it for you guys!

So go ahead, leave a like.

Did I mention donate to my Patreon?

Support me mentally by checking out my Merch.

Make sure you order the best-selling item, which is running out like hot-cakes on a cold Sunday.

You know, the one that says “WE BROKE UP”.