He would often walk around with his butt cheeks clenched so tight, it felt as though if they ever parted ways Niagara falls would purge through.
He wore baggy jeans, and rarely did he adjust his waist — letting it slide to reveal his Calvin Klein underwear encased.
There was a bit of hair, revealing but not too shallow, like someone had pencilled it in to give it more depth — I often wondered if that was the mark of perfection or lazy shaving techniques.
He would kneel down never bending forwards, should there ever be the need to pick something up from the ground; I complimented it was good posture.
Never did he scratch his bottoms, and oddly enough never kept his wallet in his back pocket.
It was a comfy cushion of plump fatty goodness, I’m sure he did squats.
I’d watch those balloons swing left to right as he roamed proudly through the halls like he was Madeleine Jana Korbel Albright; though he hardly resembled anything like that wonderful woman.
He spoke is murmurs, as though he was gargling and swallowing at the same time; it was odd, yet intriguing — but mostly disgusting.
To women he was appalling, yet on ecstasy they would cling to him like he was Rubeus Hagrid; we never quite understood the appeal.
One fine day, he was roaming the halls as he usually did — passing out doughnuts, we knew he’d tested for taste. Handing them out like condoms at a Mardi-Gras parade.
Finally, he came down to my cubicle — offering me the last one; it was delicious pink sprinkled one. The glimmer in his eyes, alerted the opposite; “Please don’t take it”, they shouted.
“I think I’m good”, I said with a fake loving smile.
He turned around, pulled his pants down, and revealed the sign.
“Look at my back”, he said with enthusiasm.
“My arse resembles doughnuts”, said the man with a smile.
I looked away, shamelessly catching a glimpse from the corner of my eye.
Only to learn, the tramp stamp was actually more than a sign.
One of fulfilment, one of courage,
A close look reveal the words engraved,
“My back is up here”, it read.
We both shared a moment of embrace.
He finally unclenched his buttocks, letting it be known — not to judge him for his past mistakes.
“Let’s just share the doughnut”, as we finally became friends.