Dear Marky Mark Zuckerberger,
I know you’re hurting right now.
I’m sure it feels a lot worse than that time when Jesse Eisenberger portrayed you as a weasel, whinny, nerdy prick in that Finchy Fincher Movie.
Dude even got an Oscar Nomination for it.
And all you got was a few measly Billions.
I know the world isn’t fair.
Whenever you think you’re out, they pull you back in.
A great friend of mine once told me, never trust a woman named Monica Lewinsky.
And I finally realise now what those words meant.
It meant, never trust anybody else with your secrets.
Especially when they’re not yours.
Marky Mark, I know rap isn’t your thing and owning a burger joint might not be the dream. But I guess you could give it a shot?
I mean if Marky Mark Wahlberger can get away with punching a Vietnamese Citizen and being pardoned for it, surely there’s a way we could work something out here for you.
I know you feel distraught; I would too.
Look at all these people, oh how ungrateful they are.
Fucking people got laid because of you, Marky.
You let creeps know which ladies were single and which weren’t.
Hell! you even helped creeps with ladies who weren’t single become single.
What a fucking rollercoaster of a world we live in.
All you wanted to do was poke people, help other people poke people, help people friend other friends, help people friend other people’s mutual friends.
What the fuck has the world come to Marky?
You getting dissed by people for being too lazy to read the Terms and Agreements.
Fuck man, I wish we’d given them free Legal lessons before they signed up for your website.
Who knew a website that could literally help millions of people get laid could be so harmful.
Marky, I want you to know you’ll always be my Zuckernaught.
That fly on the wall that made sure I found out when that chick I was crushing on was Single.
How I could stalk her profile for hours and then come up with a perfect list of subjects to talk to her about when we went on our first date.
Shit, she was so amazed she even asked me how I knew so much about her.
I told her it was intuition; I lied. It was Facebook.
Anyways, she dumped me a few weeks later because she found out I stalked her facebook to get her to date me.
Every good thing ends in a tragedy, doesn’t it Marky?
Well here’s what I think — in the famous words of the legendary Henry Kissinger, “The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.”
People will forget about this like they forgot what Facebook looked like when it first came to fruition.
Soon #DeleteFacebook will be #ReplaceFacebook, and little will they notice you’ll be the genius behind a new social media.
A better one.
One with more Transparency.
One with absolutely no regard for Privacy.
One with so much openness, it will make the hippy movement look like World War II on Steroids.
We’ll do it again, Marky.
We’ll make a new Facebook, a better one.
We’ll call me BookFace, People will love it Marky.
They’ll love you.
They’ll remember how lifeless they were without you.
You’ll be a hero to them, Marky.
They’ll name a street after you.
You’ll even star in your own Biopic, Marky.
It will called “The Total Get-work”.
It will make Fincher cringe in his House of Cards.
You’ll get that Oscar.
You’ll let Aaron Sorkin know, nobody does Marky fucking Mark Zuckerberger better than Marky FUCKING Mark Zuckerberger.
And when you get on that stage to gracefully accept that Oscar.
As you look down upon all the measly bastards who didn’t think you’d be back.
You’ll proclaim, “I’m CEO bitch!”.
Your dear friend,