The fear of not knowing.

Or how impatience sabotages us.

My favourite thing to do when I want to annoy people is texting, “Hey, I need to tell you something…” — and then turning off my phone.

“six white medication pills on hand” by Marc Schäfer on Unsplash

Only to receive numerous voice-messages, missed-call alerts, emails, text messages, every other outlet the person could find — only to receive my response, “Oh shit…I meant to send that to my mum! Sorry.”

Oh the sheer disappointment, the build-up, all that waiting, the anxiety, the constant self-ramblings, the embarrassing things said that they can’t now take back.

I must admit, it’s not a kind thing to do.

A wise human once said to me,

“You can change people, You can’t change human nature.”

I love exploiting that claim.

I’ve resisted the urge to pick up that penny, that finds itself magically on the floor, glaring back at me with it’s shinny indulgence — calling out to me “Pick me up, my knight in shinning armour. Help me find a place in your wallet.”

Well it’s just a penny, it ain’t got no feelings people.

Not knowing can be scary.

I remember receiving my Acceptance letter from university, back in the day.

I got my family to open it for me, because I didn’t know how to fake disappointment if I got rejected.

I honestly, didn’t care — I had options.

It was just a university, and I was just another applicant.

That’s all there was to it.

Much like this piece that I’m writing right now, here’s me, my cold fingers, my warm cup of coffee, it’s 3 A.M. on a Sunday — and I’m not exactly sure why I’m awake.

But I like it.

I don’t know who else is “awake”, or who else is ‘active’ here on medium.

I’m listening to Pink Floyd, and wondering “Hello, Is there anybody in there?”

Not knowing the answer, I continue to write — rambling along.

Should I really be worried about the outcome? Probably not.

I can’t control the outcome, now can I?

Sure I could pass along this piece to my friends, maybe even email it to a few, or get one of those viral websites to get this piece to get all the likes it deserves.

Maybe even try blackmail.

But that’s just lousy now, isn’t it?

Why waste my energy on something I can’t control?

Accepting I’m just where I am, and this is what I can do; is the greatest achievement I can accomplish to help me get through the day.

Learning to focus on what I can do, rather than what I would do.

I can’t control the outcome, and hey if that “something I needed to tell you…”, was really all that important; I would be the one chasing after you — not the other way around.

Let’s find another poor soul to torture.

Hmm…let’s see, “Hey, I need to tell you something…

…stop worrying about the outcome. It will all happen the way it should.”

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

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