Be alarmed ladies and gentlemen; there’s a Serial Cat Burglar on the loose.
My sources have just informed me that there seems to be a lunatic on the loose; supposedly belonging to a cult that worships cats.
Whilst most of us would refer to it as bestiality; the lunatic on the loose seems to think having sex with the cats results in adding more lives for their cult members here on earth.
Since it is widely acknowledged that Cats have Nine lives; it comes as no surprise that the lunatic on the loose is of the opinion that molesting cats will grant him more lives.
If your cat is missing; please feel free to contact 0800-CAT-BURGLAR.
A special response team will then respond to you request and note down the necessary details in bringing your dear cat back home.
In other news, American Girl group and Dance Ensemble — Pussy Cat Dolls have decided to pay tribute to the victims and those who have lost their beloved cats in their new hit song “The Cat Burglar”.
Kevin Spacey has also come out of hiding and is showing support for the lost Cats by saying, “In Season-1 of House of Cards, we actively made the decision to not kill the cat; as it was originally mentioned in the script. Instead I made the clever decision of killing a dog instead; because even me, a child predator knows, that cats have nine lives and hence should be vastly regarded as more important than dogs. Dogs are stupid, there is no place for stupid animals in this world.”
Critics of Kevin Spacey, consider his remarks not only lacking in empathy but furthermore as a shoddy attempt at making a comeback by exploiting the issue at hand; the cat burglary.