It was a usual night out with my odd-ball group of friends and local eccentrics alike, as we emerged at this local hip hangout spot where all the other cool kids were hanging out.
We were the kings of the block, hence our appearance felt worth while.
It had been a while since we’d caught up with one another, and it felt as though we’d finally evolved from looking homeless to actually being homeless; that wasn’t going to keep us from spending upwards of our monthly pay-check to embark on this elite experience.
Immersed in the atmosphere filled with a dimly lit smokey room, the aura and vibes were at an all time high.
Jazz music was playing, a Dj was rocking back and forth; and fuck if I know, some people actually thought I looked cool wearing my sunglasses in-doors (little did they know, I’m not THAT cool…I have photophobia).
A very handsome looking Jesus presented himself and asked if he could turn our water into wine, as my friends began to present their orders one by one; each adding a layer of their own personal touch to them,
“Shaken, not stirred!” — Jesus winked as he acknowledged my presence and I froze, amazed by his searing blue eyes I felt compelled to order an alcoholic beverage; even though it’s haram for me to do so.
I tried to maintain my calm and collected self, surely he couldn’t see my whimpering eyes as I scrambled to come up with an order…
Finally…as Jesus would slowly start recommending a few; I panicked and blurted out,
“No I mean would you like lemon in it?”
“Oh!…umm. No I’m allergic. Also no peanuts.”
“You’re allergic to peanut too?”
“No…I just don’t like peanuts.”
“Surely…at your service”, he said with sexual undertones.
My friends looked to me with their judgemental eyes, how dare you embarrass us at this eloquent establishment; I do admit, I was ashamed to admit alcohol ain’t my cup of tea — but sparkling water, surely that would buy me a few rounds of superiority.
As the drinks slowly arrived, layered upon crystal coasters; my OCD brain began arranging them in the perfect order.
Mr. Man-Bun served me my sparking water, as he remarked;
“Here you go…Sparkling water, ice — no lemons. Enjoy!”, *wink wink*
Soon another group of people arrived and joined us at the table situated next to ours and started to order their own choices of drinks, naturally, out of curiosity; we began to eavesdrop — whilst pretending to be deeply engrossed within our inner thoughts and reflections.
Thus began the order and Jesus impersonator would re-emerge, passing us by as he said in a calm yet horny voice;
“Everything perfect to your liking, I hope?” — we simply nodded and smiled, because we were too cool to respond with words.
A gentleman from the opposing table then placed a peculiar order, “I’ll have what he’s having”, as he waved ever so slightly as though he was the conductor of an orchestra dressed like a conductor of a local bus stop; c’est la vie.
Jesus impersonator then informed the young conductor that it was a non-alcoholic beverage; and suddenly the senses of everybody seated at the table heightened.
Too embarrassed to back out of that drive way he’d now found himself parked in, the conductor spoke in a chic Tom-Fordian style as he adjusted his sunglasses; “I’m well-aware, I do not indulge in alcohol”.
The waiter was alarmed yet compelled by this mysterious encounter and acknowledged the bravery it took to stand-up to a man so endearing as him.
I went out for a smoke, and soon the conductor joined me — passionately placing his arm around my shoulder, pressing on it ever so slightly; no homo.
I lit his cigarette, and he asked me if he could bum a smoke…as we both puffed our lives away; he spoke…
“…I know how it feels.”
“It’s not easy…but even Mount Everest couldn’t be climbed without Sherpas”
“…the Nepali people?”
“…I believe they’re called Sherpas. But that’s beside the point…”
“I see you…I see right through those sparkles, young man.”
“Ohh…yeah. No lemon…haha”
“No lemon? Hmm..quite the exotic taste you have…”
“Yeah plus it fucks up my teeth…they get all sticky and electric like”
“So what’s your pin?”
“…your recovery pin, how far into the program are you?”
“Ohh! No No…I’m not…ahh”
“It’s okay…denial is usually the first step to crossing that bridge. Take your time…”
“No I mean…dude I’m not a fucking alcoholic!”
“I mean…I’m not judging you. I just don’t drink…out of choice”
“That’s absurd, who doesn’t drink out of choice!”
“I don’t know what the word means, is that French?”
“DUDE! I DO NOT DRINK BECAUSE IT IS A CHOICE!”
“…I’m sensing some animosity here, have I touched on a sensitive subject?”
“…No. Not at all, bud.”
“Hmm…so what are your thoughts on the immigration crisis?”
“Oh fuck this…dude. ENJOY YOUR CIGARETTE!”, as I rushed back in annoyingly.
Much to further my rage, my friends had now merged tables with the opposition and were engaging in thought provoking conversations about “Race Relations”, “Immigration”, “Gun Control”, and some thing called “SJW”.
I’d quite frankly had quite enough of this shit, so I gulped down my Sparkling water as the crowd witnessed; chanting started to emerge, “DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN!”
I did down, though I didn’t drown…I called myself an Uber and humbly departed from this hawkish frown.
Just as I got into my Uber, the driver requested I put my seatbelt on; of course, safety first.
He gave me a glance and knew exactly what I needed, a bottle of water; car temperature, without sparkles and citrus.