Scientist reveals ‘snorting’ might not be the best method to consume cocaine.

After years of research, Chemical prodigy and occasional stalker; Dr. Doomsickle Frostbite has revealed his conclusive study.

“greyscale photography of skeleton” by Mathew Schwartz on Unsplash

His research expands from the different methods through which cocaine has been consumed over the years, from being a key ingredient to Coca-Cola’s success to Wall-Street mayhem; Dr. Doomsickle has covered it all.

His findings, whilst dreadful, are revealing of a much broader and sociopolitical issue.

“Just look at the number of arrests man! What the fuck are they arresting baking soda for? I mean cocaine is the real deal and these guys are wasting it by mixing it with baking soda. I say arrest ’em all!” — one of his many ramblings on Cocaine use.

He’s uncovered what has long been known to be the root cause of excitement and disappointment for many men over the years; erectile dysfuction.

As a man suffering from the condition himself, he claims he has wholeheartedly dedicated the past decade to this research.

“The findings are phenomenal. I mean if I’d known all this shit back when I was a Professor at Harvard; I’d been the fucking Dean by now. I guess every rose has its thorns and every professor sings a sad sad song” — he claims, reminding me of how he suffers from a rare disease where he can only finish certain sentences with classic rock song lyrics.

In the final pages of his research; he reveals a method, whilst not the most appropriate for social occasions, is the best method to consume “Cocaine”.

He goes on to describe,

“So what you want to do is get one of these Green-Tea type bags, you know…the one’s they give out at hotels and shit. Then open it up and get rid of all the disgusting poisonous Green-tea or whatever the fuck they put in there now. What you want to do is get precisely Eight pinches full of raw Peruvian cocaine; no baking soda allowed. Throw it in the bag, seal it carefully. Now what you want to do next is roll the tea bag into a cylindrical shape and slightly lubricate it and shove it up your rear-end. Let the fibres dissolve as they slowly absorb into the inner skin; allowing the cocaine to dilute itself like tiny little magical snowflakes slowly binding themselves to the inner cavity of you anus. Feel the effects of cocaine as they finally kick in and OMG WHAT THE FFUU…”

Sadly, Dr. Doomsickle Frostbite had a sudden heart attack during the final pages of his research and took the mysteries with him to his grave.

Our prayers and thoughts go out to Dr. Frostbite and his multiple families.

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

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