Reproduction Clinic claims they’ve been defrauded by Serial Masturbators.

In a shocking revelation, Highly Acclaimed Semen Donation Clinic and Cloning Research Centre — LifeSpams; filed for a bankruptcy claiming they’ve been defrauded in the millions.

“1 U.S. dollar banknote on white surface” by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

The Clinic claims when they first decided to launch their campaign “A Dollar A Child”, they expected a healthy turnout of dedicated donors to help families reproduce children.

After figuring out a major error in the accounting software and exploitation of the campaign’s “Donation Policy”, they were “Shocked” to find that they’d been defrauded in Millions.

Whilst official numbers have yet to be revealed, the clinic has hinted that the amount is estimated to be between $8–12 Million.

One official spoke to us revealing the cause of the problem, “I first noticed the insane turnout of men wanting to donate their reproductive juices. We were quite excited. In fact, it got to a point that we couldn’t accommodate the donors within the clinic and had to set up a donation camp in the parking lot. I pointed out to the managers that it seemed a bit odd that the men were too willing to be donating to the cause. At first, I thought it might be the excitement of contributing to help another family raise a child; only to figure out that the men were actually homeless and jerking off for the sheer financial reward.”

Turned out the homeless men were actually part of a Heist Gang which has previously been involved in similar scams; such as collecting Food Tokens from Burger King and Repainting Scratched Lottery Tickets for a refund.

An investigation has been launched into the matter and authorities claim that the Serial Masturbation will soon be brought to justice and will pay for their heinous crime.

One horrified employee is also suing the gang for “Mental Trauma” caused from seeing the entire parking lot covered in semen, claiming “I’ve never seen so much semen in my life. And I went to some seriously fucked up Frat parties back in College. But this was just messed up. It looked like a fucking Ice-Hockey Rink covered in glue”.

We wish the employee a speedy recovery.

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store