In Response to Jennifer Lowe
Hello Ms. Jennifer,
Unfortunately I was unable to respond on your article directly, for some reason I’m unable to post due to the article being on a publication.
It’s very well written, and not that I am able to understand the exact predicament of your situation since I’m an outsider looking in.
I hope to maybe provide an insight into why we do leave and tend to move on — and it’s more complicated than it appears to be on the surface.
As indifferent and inhumane as it seems that we’re able to walk away, it’s a self-defence mechanism; one that has personally led me to burn bridges in my own personal life and move on.
The thought never leaves me, but because of the loneliness and rejection we get conditioned into; it’s hardly ever that we expect to be loved.
When it does come around, the anxiety and fear takes over — demolishing every ounce of hope that “this might just work”.
We walk away not because we don’t care, but because we care too much and are too afraid to express it.
An inner-vulnerability that never quite gets fulfilled because nobody ever came around in time to let us know “Hey, you’re not that bad”.
The work becomes the only safe haven where we do feel safe to be able to pursue our passion because the idea of a relationship is far scarier than failing at a task.
Often times, we think to ourselves “She’ll probably leave me at some point” or “I’m just not good enough for her” or even “I don’t understand why she sticks around”.
I gave up on the idea of relationships after a moment of self-realisation that I could never keep up with my end of the bargain and that it was hardly fair to bring some one into my life without being able to contribute the attention they so lovingly deserve.
I’ve had two serious relationships thus far in my life, both ended with my partner cheating on me; in their defence I was largely not the partying kind and worked a lot.
Both my relationships ended with the same sentence being repeated to me, one that I’d heard before and was all to familiar with — “I cheated because I wanted you to notice me” ; recognising it was my own fault and not theirs and as such it was a part of life and I had to keep moving.
I couldn’t be the person they wanted, hence I didn’t want to hold someone back for wanting something different; a happier life, one they maybe hoped they’d have with me but I failed because I lack the substance of being able to be constantly present.
The feeling and comfort of being alone become a shield, and a relationship feels like a violation; like it could all crumble any second.
Hence, whilst I do agree with your assessment; I hope it helps make sense of how an individual such as the one you describe, such as the one I relate to all too well — feels deeply inside.
We shy away from sharing our lack of self-worth, and make up for it by pushing ourselves into pursuit where we see results.
Geniuses often are, not a stereotype, but riddled with contradictions.
To want to be loved, but never feel like needing it.
To lack sexual motivation or a thirst to pursue women.
The failure to pick up the signs of when a woman does show interest, because the voice inside our head lets us know “Clearly, she can’t be into you”.
Anyways, I hope that you find the time to read this. :)
Thank you for sharing your story, I can only hope I could provide some insight into how I’ve felt all my life and why I choose to walk away rather than stick around.
Through no fault of others, and the pain it does inflict on people; I made the choice long ago that I’m just not cut-out for a relationship and hence wouldn’t want to lead someone on knowing full-well I’m not capable of putting in the time, because I’m just not wired that way and the years leading up to where I am today — nobody ever came up to me and said “Hey, You’re Alright!”.
It’s the realisation that the mysteriousness intrigues others at first, but becomes a fierce reality that it’s an unshakeable truth that we’re just not that much fun to be around; we’re loners, incapable of coping with or understanding what it feels like to be loved.
Which is why we look to mentors, stick to them — finding father figures instead of loving partners; to fulfil that need. Because after a while, it feels like only other figures as such can understand the depths of how tormenting it is to how the world perceived as being “gifted”.
Kind Regards and Much Love,
If you’d like to understand more, following are bits and pieces of my personal experiences.
The image below is from an album artwork by the band The Mars Volta — De-Loused in the Comatorium; within it is a quote which reads “Yo Moreré Y Nadian me recordarà”, loosely translated to, “When I die, no one will remember me”.
The quote encapsulates how it feels everyday to be such an individual.