Nike blames McDonald’s for the Kaepernick controversy.
“McDonald’s has been causing mass-diarrhoea way before we got involved with Kaepernick”, says Nike spokesperson and Campaign Manager Dr. Manhattan.
After the trial and tribulations Nike has recently been facing ever since launching its advertising campaign with Quarterback and Master of Squatting Colin Rand Kaepernick; Nike has decided to face the controversy surrounding the campaign by directly punching it in the arse.
“Mr. Colin Rand Kaepernick has long been suffering from his addiction to juicy McDonald’s Hamburgers, which has long been a hidden secret within the NFL as Mr. Kaepernick suffers from uncontrollable diarrhoea since he munches on them before every match. It got to a point that he’s got haemorrhoids from all the standing and running he has to do on the field. Finally, he took a stand by deciding to kneel during the National Anthem; as he revealed that the subliminal ‘Brown Noise’ incorporated within the American National Anthem causes his stomach to churn those juicy, delicious McDonald’s Hamburgers into a leaky pile of slimy poo that would cause the entire Stadium to be filled with the unbearable stench of his human-feces leaking through his bright yellow coloured uniform. Fearing disgust and poo-shaming by his fans, he finally decided to contact Nike to make him a more comfortable Knee-Pad; exclusively designed for Mr. Colin Rand Kaepernick. We respected his decision and trust in Nike to help secure his position as a Quality Quarterback and Professional Hamburger Addict, whilst concealing his secrets through especially designed Knee-Pad rests and diarrhoea controlling underwear designed by the most quality and technologically advanced fabric Nike has ever put into production. It tested the limits of our designers but we got the task accomplished. We believe people should stop shaming Mr. Colin Rand Kaepernick and point the finger at the real diarrhoea causing culprits and masterminds behind this whole debacle; McDonald’s.”
Mr. Colin Rand Kaepernick went on to add, “When I said ‘Believe in something, even if it means sacrificing everything’, I really meant my uncontrollable diarrhoea resulting from those delicious juicy mustard and ketchup covered hamburgers that McDonald’s has been putting in my belly since I first joined the NFL resulting in my embarrassment during the National Anthem forcing me to kneel and conceal as diarrhoea flooded my bright yellow pants.”