Newly discovered document reveals Howard Hughes’ long-lost Will.

Just when you thought Leonardo Di Caprio being snubbed for “The Aviator” was the worst atrocity human race ever witnessed…

“ink bottle on desk” by Clark Young on Unsplash

Long presumed to have been lost amongst the litres of urine left behind by Howard Hughes, a new document has surfaced revealing the details of his will.

It should come as no surprise to many that the recluse genius would leave his fortune so just any young sap could lay claim to it.

The following are pieces of information discovered from the Will.

Howard R. Hughes,
being of sound mind and disposing mind and memory,
not acting under duress,
fraud or the undue influence of any person whomever,
and being a resident of Las Vegas, Nevada,
declare that this is to be my last will and revolt all other wills previously made by me.

After my death, my estate is to be divided as follows:

First — Bear Grylls, a great British Adventurer and fellow lover of drinking Urine will be in possession of my bodily remains. For his bravery and continued service to the human disposal industry, I reward him 20% of my fortune.

Second — Actor and Scholar, Matt Damon; for his accurate depiction of an astronaut stranded on Planet Mars using his feces to grow potatoes in the Documentary “The Martian” gave me hope beyond the grave that the human race can endure. For this I reward Matt Damon 20% of my fortune.

Third — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for not awarding those basturds [sic] Martin Scorsese and Leonardo Di Caprio for scrutinising my private life and making me look like a complete buffoon. I furthermore wish to note that a lawsuit should be filed on my behalf noting my utter distaste for the portrayal of the great Howard Hughes; and consider it libel. For this I reward The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences 60% of my fortune, 20% of which should be used towards destroying the remains of the Film named “The Aviator” and furthermore publishing articles mocking the Director and Lead Actor.

I appoint Joan of Arc as the executer of this will.

Signed the 19 day of March 1968.
Howard R. Hughes.”

Christie’s values the “Hughes Will” could be auctioned for up to $9 Billion; which is only a quarter of what the fortune of Mr. Hughes is now estimated to be worth.

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

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