In the Midst of 2016, as vividly as I can imagine; I found myself concerned. I found my wandering amongst the atmosphere that I occupied and began wondering about what the world around me was meant for, and what my place was in it.
As time passed, this feeling of restlessness began to escalate; casting an unshakable dreary shadow. The feeling that as such a light bulb slowly fading away within me would again ignite except this time it would burst; shattering it’s glassy, razor sharp pieces within my body.
Things started to make very little sense, and I found my presence fading away. Though life itself presented itself with an omnipresent feeling of progress and optimism; I was failing to find any meaning in it at all.
Money started losing meaning and with it material objects started feeling like innate objects fulfilled to occupy the empty space within myself. I felt as though death was following me casting its shadow upon everything I encountered.
Then the nightmares began, snakes; keeping me awake at night. I would often lose control and wander whether the snakes within my nightmares would come to life inflict upon me their venom. As my heart would race as if it were about to burst out of my chest and tears would befall upon my face as my body shook uncontrollably.
The omnipresent promises of opportunities of a lucrative and successful career started making no sense to me; as if I had never wished for it all to happen this way but as it seemed opportunities kept presenting themselves and I kept avoiding them.
Friendships started to lose meaning; as if no matter what anybody said to make me understand that things were going to be okay and they ‘understood’ how I was feeling, I would wear a mask and smile to make it appear as though they were right. But in truth nobody could encapsulate the feelings that occupied my mind like a poison seeping its way through my body.
I wandered around parks, alone; listening to music from the Counting Crows, whilst observing people and grasping the idea that I was beginning to lose touch with normality. That ‘normality’ wasn’t just graduating, getting married, having kids, and awaiting death.
Normality made no sense to me.
As time passed I faded furthermore, excluding myself from people; as if to prevent them from coming into contact with the poisonous cloud of death that followed me everywhere I wandered.
I couldn’t understand why I suddenly began questioning my presence in the world, but I knew enough not to blame circumstances. That whatever ‘this’ was, it wasn’t just circumstances. I accepted my fate as a lonely one, a path I chose for myself. Accepting that as it may be, nobody would ever understand the depths of me or how I felt.
Slowly, I hoped to welcome the death that seemed to have followed me for some time now and I was hoping for a peaceful one. That I would fall asleep, one which contained no nightmares filled with snakes; and just like that I would never reawaken – that the snakes would finally end me with their venomous poison. That maybe that would be my peace with the world. My non-existence.
It dawned on me often the impact it would have on my family, that if I were to fail to exist how it would impact their lives. But at the time the feeling of restlessness and self-scrutiny would make me forget for once that I had any attachment to anybody at all.
I would think of matters in a passing manner, that everything – every event, past and present; was all encompassing for a glimpse of hope that seemed unreachable. I accepted that maybe this really was the end. A boy, lost and alone, failing to understand why the world suddenly had stopped making sense. Lost amongst atmosphere I once loved and welcomed with a joyful resonant glimpse of hope.