In a candid interview with 60-Minutes on the “mental pressure” and “anxiety” associated with being a Secret-Spy suffering from Amnesia; Jason Bourne claims he was coerced by Media Execs into believing he was famed actor “Matt Damon”.
Going into detail of the heroism of Edward Snowden, the infamous Secret-Agent on the run from the Government claims he was fooled into believing he was actually Oscar Nominated actor Matt Damon.
“I think it’s ludicrous. First they killed my girlfriend and then drugged me up into believing the Legacy movie with Jeremy Renner was an alternate reality Documentary.”, claims Mr.Bourne.
“The essence of it all is that they really expected me to believe that Pamela Landy wasn’t just trying to help me get better but also was in-fact just part of the act they were trying to pull. This goes deeper than any Government Conspiracy I’ve ever encountered. I’m horrified at the idea that I would ever be convinced to point a Sniper-Riffle at Pammy and utter the words ‘She’s standing right next to you’, I mean I know I’m attractive and being a super secret-spy is pretty cool; but the sheer arrogance of manipulating my vulnerability just goes on to show how far these Hollywood wackos are willing to go.”
Mr. Bourne says his life has been exploited solely for the Multi-Billion Dollar Franchise and is owed not only an apology but a large sum (currently undisclosed) for exploitation of his worsening condition.
“I have nightmares, you know? I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night believing some super-natural machine has shrunk me down to Five-Inches. When it is widely known that shrinking humans would never be a solution to Over-Population. I think the only Silver Lining here is that fact that I got invited by Thor and Loki to spend some-time in Asgard to focus on my new-found passion of Character-Acting. I think I’ve accepted that my long-lost memories will never return and that I should just keep moving.”
In his closing statement, he said watching the movie “Good Will Hunting” really brought back some of his Childhood memories and can now get past the “stigma” attached to amnesia. He plans on using his settlement money to start a foundation for other Secret-Agents who have been tricked by Hollywood to create Multi-Billion Dollar Franchises.
“I’ve been talking to Ethan Hunt and I’m sure we’re on the same page. He’s assured me that there’s an institute that can help me get back on the right track and we both plan to visit with them soon to begin my ‘processing’. I’ll urge others to do the same and join me in a movement we’re calling #SpiesForHireNoMore”.