I’m doing the best I can, it might not be perfect; but I’m trying.

“reflection of person holding bag and umbrella” by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash

I don’t know what perfection is, I certainly do not know how to define it.

I’m not jumping ahead or wave the path for perfection, or a role-model.

Fuck, I wouldn’t even know where to pave the path to.

What I do understand is, I can never stop growing.

So where do I begin?

What do I dislike about myself?

What can I change about my perspective of the world?

What can I learn from what’s happening around me?

Before arguing it, dismissing it, I must first seek to understand it.

I didn’t like how skinny I was, so I joined a gym; started to exercise — I crossed that off the list some time ago. I guess I can look at myself in the mirror and be happy with the progress I’ve made so far. I wasn’t doing it because the clothes I liked often didn’t fit me, or being told to try the ‘ladies department’ was offensive. I did it ’cause well, I didn’t like it so I changed it. Did it for the better of myself.

I didn’t like how I viewed women, how I viewed sex, and how I’d constantly seek gratification and when failing to attract it — I’d devote my time to pleasuring myself to obscenity. So I stopped. Didn’t put too much thought into it, decided the habit wasn’t great so figured I’d try the alternative.

Decided I might as well pursue celibacy if I was to truly come to terms with being satisfied with myself before seeking out a partner.

I didn’t like my job, that was a tough one — giving up a decent salary wasn’t easy. Especially considering the fact that with the job came a shinny car that I wouldn’t have anymore. Resigned anyways, decided to test myself. Work as a waiter if came to it, so be it. Be satisfied and test my level of comfort.

I came to understanding, the shinny car wasn’t all that great because I enjoyed the bus ride a lot more. Letting someone else take the wheel while I looked out the window, my favourite songs playing and visualising make-believe music videos in my head.

I started noticing things a lot. I don’t know how best to describe it, but I guess it felt like I had just de-clogged my brain. I could see things with more focus and clarity.

For some odd reason, I started to enjoy walking a lot.

Some thing, I used to really hate.

I stopped partying because I guess I kinda just grew out of it?

The #MeToo movement came along and it was time to now start reflecting on my actions and how I could learn to better conduct myself.

Horrifying as it was to learn some of the people I once adored could be capable of committing such heinous acts, it was much more terrifying how little I understood about people, sexuality, and simple adjustments of character.

It wasn’t easy at first, second guessing every move I made in life, constantly worrying I might accidentally offend somebody.

Some how, the fear just faded away; when I realised that accepting subconsciously that other people are in-fact PEOPLE and I’m not much of a mind-reader, I better start reviewing my behaviour.

I stopped making crass-jokes, toilet humour, and pretty much passing comments on anybody’s appearance — because nothing good ever came of it.

I stopped judging people but rather judging myself a lot more — and it didn’t lead me down a rabbit hole.

Rather it led to something much more different, kinda crazy to explain to people now that I’m actually sitting down to write it.

I wasn’t laughing at the person shouting in the middle of the street, I was starting to empathise what may have caused such a reaction.

I wasn’t dismissing people who were demanding change, I was trying to understand where they were coming from.

And then…

The world around me started to pay respect to me?

Seriously.

At first, I felt it was placebo and I was paying too much attention to things I didn’t notice before.

But then a few of my friends pointed it out to me and I guess that threw the placebo out the window.

I wasn’t just some random person anymore, people really paid attention to what I had to say; when I did have something of value to say.

Speaking less garbage and reflecting a lot more, led to creating value for my thoughts being put into words.

Reflecting on my own behaviour, and conducting myself in a better light allowed me the opportunity to be viewed more respectably.

It wasn’t false respect either, because I rarely socialise anymore or feel the need to rub shoulders with people. I rarely engage in small-talk anymore.

Figuring myself out, continuing to improve my behaviour, empathising with others rather than judging them; had an impact on how society viewed me.

I do not know if it’s karma, I honestly do not know if such a thing exists.

What I do know and do acknowledge is this; The world seemed a lot nicer when I tried to fix myself — as selfish as it sounds, it became my addiction.

I liked this new me and I liked how people seemed truly kinder.

My relationships improved and I wasn’t just another person in the room anymore; I could feel my presence had value.

Maybe because I’d stopped loitering around and had finally decided to view my life as something that needed to improve — for the better.

So what I come away with my experience is this,

I don’t know what self-improvement truly is, it’s individual, and maybe we all have to figure it out for ourselves.

What I do know is change began when I decided to make positive decisions for my own good — and suddenly the world started changing for me.

Quitting my job, Becoming Celibate, Joining a Gym…it’s all personal — you don’t have to do all that. It’s just what I thought wasn’t right with me and those are the steps I took to improve on.

I continue to find things I can improve.

I talk to my parents a lot more than I used to.

I call my siblings every week, make sure they’re doing alright.

I don’t loiter around anymore because I’ve found things I can focus my energy on — things that are helping me get better.

Hopefully, someday, if I have the opportunity to do so; I’ll try and change the world too.

But for now, I guess I’m just focusing on improving myself — and I know it will be a constant work in progress.

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

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