How to Bullshit your way through a Job-Interview.

Lying is KEY — Honesty is overrated.

Last time I was honest in a job interview, they kicked out my ass all the way to Dunbar.

After countless rejections, I finally learnt my lesson — whoever said Honesty is the best policy must’ve had fucking millions in inheritance money. ’Cause honesty just won’t cut it.

Here’s a few KEY points to remember.

  • You are a People Person.
  • You love Children and Helping the Homeless.
  • Nothing makes you happier than helping an elderly person cross the street.
  • Your best qualities are: Enthusiasm, Team Work, Synergy, Racial Equality, Putting a smile of People’s face, Organisation, Scheduling, Time Management, and most of INITIATIVE.
  • There is no such thing as a 9 to 5 for you, when the boss calls; you’re up and ready to go.
  • You know no limits, you’ll do any job that’s given to you. Google is your best friend.
  • At university, whilst everybody was getting blackout drunk and hooking up; you were Top of the Class and loved helping Professors.
  • At High-School, were you Class-President.
  • You love Boy-Scouts.
  • You love Girl-Scouts.
  • You’re a patriot.
  • This isn’t just a job, This is THE PLACE, This company is what compelled you to maintain your G.P.A at University.
  • Make sure you know ‘Buzz words’, remember to say ‘Let’s a put a pin in that one’ when you hit a brick wall.
  • Every day is a new day, and each new day means another opportunity to contribute to well-being of the company.
  • You’ll take a fucking bullet for the company.
  • When you were a kid, everybody in class said they wanted to be the President when they grew up; not you, you knew you always wanted to work for THIS COMPANY.
  • You go out of your way to help people.
  • You once helped a homeless guy stay in your house for weeks.
  • You have never thrown eggs at your ex-girlfriend’s house when she cheated on you, because you believe in forgiveness and kindness.
  • When you say you’re going to out and get, YOU MOTHER FUCKING GO OUT AND GET IT.
  • When things get too tense, complement the decor; say something along the lines of ‘I love the vibe of this place already”.
  • You’re an overachiever, a great leader, and most of all the word ‘Over-Qualified doesn’t apply to you, because you can never be truly satisfied.
  • Bring up emotional blackmail, talk about your tormented child-hood, how you see your parents in the interviewer’s majestic eyes.
  • Finally, when they don’t get back to you; make sure you note down all the license plates of the people that work there — trust me, it’ll come in handy.

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

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