Working a corporate job has many wonders, especially in the world of “Start-up”; where all things hip and ‘woke’ soon morph into evil and vile.
The good part is, there’s always free shit — and by that I mean loads of it.
Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I do believe there’s a reason the folks at the office keep it so hip and fancy; it’s to distract us minions from figuring out what the hoodie wearing CEOs are really up to.
Now, who am I to complain; of course I’m part of the program, so dance. along whilst the music is playing.
Call me a hypocrite, but I like to think of myself as an opportunist; I know my job sucks, and I know nothing I do really contributes to the “Wellbeing and shaping of the future of Humanity” (What a load of crap with cherry on top).
Being a realist, I won’t be denying myself life’s simple pleasures — such as free Croissants, Lattes, Moleskin Notepads (Not my sponsors), Cinnamon Rolls, but most of all free Vape pens and endless toilet breaks.
The smoke-free, cigarette no no, cancer free office does not like the good ol’ ciggie burnin’ anywhere near the office — in fact so far such that employees cannot even be seen puffing their lives away to them cancer sticks.
On Fridays, there’s free alcohol — except I don’t drink, but I do like to drink a bit of sparkling water to fit in with the crowd (as previously explained in my pretentious story published some time ago).
So here I was; no cigarettes just vape pens and endless supply of booze.
When I received a dubious text message from one of my house mates;
“Hey mate, mind grabbing some toilet paper on the way home?”
“Are we out?”, I replied gasping for a monotone ‘No’…
“Almost…two layers left”
“So you’ll grab ‘em? Make sure you get the 20 Pack, it’s cheaper…”
“You at a party, what’s with the music?”
“Oh yeah it’s Friday so our bosses are getting us drunk…”
“Sounds like your bosses sure know how to party”
Little did he know, they only party so that we don’t notice what’s really going on in their heads —
A few short minutes later the vape pens evolved into something known as Marijuana…
Something I know very little about…though I’ve heard it makes you paranoid.
Taking precautionary measures, I scoped out all the other minions taking tokes of the marijuana smokes and passing them around like flames on a stove.
This was my chance!
My chance to seize the day, conquer all my fears.
Escape the wrath of being poor and broke; and TAKE WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY MINE.
I excused myself for a moment, pretending to be quite tipsy; they were quite stoned so they didn’t really care quite much for it.
Sprinting to the office supply room, I searched and searched…for a 20 Pack.
Nowhere to be found; though I did find some splendid packs of ‘Organic Coffee Blend’ and certain types of ‘Carrots’…(I really wasn’t sure if they would come in handy, but I shoved some into my backpack anyways).
Finally the ruse was up, I’d been spotted by Janine — the local ‘Why doesn’t he call me back?’.
I had no time for Janine and why Mark didn’t call her back after they went doggy-style, balls to the wall, mountain climb, steamy filthy mattress grabbing pounding of meat balls and spaghetti.
Just as I attempted my innocuous escape, Janine called out;
“…hey jay! What’s up?”
“You headin’ home already?:
“Yeah man I think I…might’ve had too much”
“Oh yeah fuck me too dude, that joint was heavy!”
“No I meant the….yeah weed”
“Dude just hang around, drink some water…you’ll be fine”
“Nah…I gotta go, I get all uhh…weird and stuff”
“Ahh…alright buddy! See yaaaaaaa!!”
“Alright jay! Have a good one…”
“I GOTTA GO…MUM’S CALLING!”, yes I’m an absolute arsehole.
Hindering my suspicion, I knew they kept the toilet paper here somewhere…I just have to locate it.
20 Pack, fuck that…I’ll show my housemates I can do better.
This is when it struck me.
I was on the “measles floor”…which means all the good shit was on the 11th floor; where the black hoodie people hang out (not to be confused with ethnicity).
I rushed up, avoiding the elevator at all costs; knowing my spidey senses wouldn’t fail me and the risk of getting caught was just much too high.
I made my way up to the 11th floor, and lo and behold rest in my vision was the ultimate surprise — The Premium Equipment Room, unlocked and ready to be raided.
I made my way in, checking safely for any hidden cameras; the discovery was far more than what I had initially envisioned, it wasn’t the cheap single layer crap we’d been purchasing for a 20 — Pack discount.
This was that classy Kleenex 3 Ply Smooth and Soft perfumed Supreme stamped toilet paper (not my sponsors) — freshly stored in a vacuum sealed container to avoid any contamination.
It was my moment; my moment of glory (no pun intended).
I hogged it, shoved as many as I could in my backpack; called myself an Uber (not my sponsor) and split like a Jean Claude Van Damme Epic Split.
On arrival, I proudly proclaimed; fellas have I got some news to share…
…much to my disappointment, after the revelation, would I discover
The boys just could not hold it any longer and had used my T-Shirts instead…
…even the Supreme one, oh the Irony of it all.
So anyways, how was your week?