Fake conversations I’ve had with Real People.

Image Credits: Tom Waits — Anton Corbijn

Chef-I-met-at-the-bus-stop-that-asked-if-I-could-spare-a-cigarette:
(when asked about how he got the cut on his hand):

“Yeah this goes way back..Dude I was just starting to try out this new soup recipe in the restaurant, I was kinda running late and didn’t think the soup would be ready in time for lunch rush hour. I started rushin’, choppin’ them veggies too fast, and accidentally cut my finger open. It started bleedin’ everywher’ and there wasn’ a bandaid ne’arby so I just kept cuttin’ them veggies..I think a little bit of the blood made its way into the soup. ‘Neways the soup was extremely popular and I’m a pretty superstitious guy so..now everytime I make the soup, I make sure I cut my finger open and hope that there aren’t any band aids nearby. But don’t tell anyone.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Cute-surfer-girl-sitting-next-to-me-on-the-bus:
(on the phone to who I assume is her friend):
*whispering* “..yeah sorry I hung up earlier! Oh my god, you won’t believe what just happened! I ran into that barista dude..you know that hot dude that works at Reuben Hills? He’s on the 400 as well. Fuck! if only the seat next to me wasn’t taken..”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Uber-driver-on-the-way-to-the-hospital:
“Man I feel sorry for you. That happened to a friend of mine once, they had to amputate his leg! Hahaha, nah just kidding man. But incase they end up amputating it..don’t take it out on my rating!”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Random-lady-in-the-waiting-area-at-the-hospital:
(making conversation with the lady that’s working at the reception):
“Is it just me or is it weird that they put tampons on special at Price Line everytime I’m on my periods? It’s as if they’re keeping track of my menstrual cycle..”

Lady-at-the-reception-in-response-to-random-lady-in-the-waiting-area-at-the-hospital:
“You’re not wearing one of those fitbit things are you? Apparently they can track all that shit now..”

Random-lady-in-the-waiting-area-responding-to-the-lady-working-the-reception-at-the-hospital:
“..well I’m not complaining.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
“You know, brother. The biggest problem with the world is that white people think the bad muslims are the real muslims. They aren’t the real muslims. We are the real muslims.”

Me:
“..I’m not muslim.”

Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
(Now slightly disappointed): “What..are you Indian or something?”

Me:
“Indian isn’t a religion. But no, I’m not Indian. I’m Pakistani.”

Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
(Now slightly agitated): “What’s your religion?”

Me:
“I don’t have one.”

Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
(Now slightly more agitated, slightly anxious, and slightly on the verge of anger): “What about your parents? They don’t have one either?”

Me:
“They’re Muslim. I used to be. I know it’s punishable by death in Pakistan. Just don’t tell anybody. It’ll be our little secret.” (gently caress his hand to make him feel uncomfortable)

Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
“Brother, I can only pray that Allah saves you.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Flight-Attendant-to-same-Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
“Sir, would you like anything to drink?”

Same-Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane-to-Flight-Attendant:
“Yes ma’am, can I have a Gin and Tonic?”

Flight-Attendant-after-serving-insane-Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane-to-me:
“And you Sir?”

Me-in-response-to-the-flight-attendant:
“Yeah, I’ll have an apple juice. Thank you.”

Demented-Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
(Shocked at the horrible sight of me not ordering an alcoholic beverage): “Why, you not drink?”

Me:
“Only on Fridays.”

Now-doubting-his-existence-Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane:
(Raising his voice furthermore): “Friday is Holy day for Muslims.”

Me:
“I’m indifferent to the drinking etiquettes on holi-days (Pun Intended) for Muslims.” (It wasn’t actually funny, plus I’m not quite sure exactly what I meant by that. I was just trying to piss of the Muslim-Pakistani-guy-on-the-plane.)

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Bouncer-working-at-Frankie’s:
“Next time you come around here, you better have a girl with you. I’ll let you cut the line, make you look like a real boss.”

Me:
“I don’t think letting me cut the line will get me laid though, Christian (said Bouncer’s name).”

Bouncer-working-at-Frankie’s-now-referred-to-as-Christian:
“Man that’s your problem. You gotta believe in yourself!”

Me:
“I do..I just don’t think the ladies do man.”

Christian:
“Cut the fucking line and the ladies will sure as hell believe, my man!”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Donald-Trump:
“Gram ’em by the pussy!”

Me-Posing-as-a-Gender-Freedom — Activist:
“I think, Mr. President, the message you should really be promoting should be: ‘Grab ’em by the pussy and/or penis’. You don’t want to isolate the rest of the population of the country that does not identify with/with-just the word ‘Pussy’.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Bill-Gates-upon-meeting-me:
“You know, I never thought it was possible to meet a bright young man such as yourself in my lifetime. You remind me so much of a younger, more enthusiastic, better looking, version of myself. As a gesture of good-faith, I want you to have all my wealth.”

Me:
“Oh Bill, is this another one of your ‘help a brown kid’ philanthropy things?”

Bill-Gates:
(Slightly embarrassed): “I knew I wasn’t wrong when I said you’re a bright young man.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Sad-Hitler-to-me:
“Man, I was just trying to impress the cool kids. I really fucked that one up, didn’t I?”

Me-to-sad-Hitler:
“Yeah, Adolf. I mean at this point, you might as well just shoot yourself.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

My-Ex-Girlfriend:
“I just want you to know that it didn’t at all make me happy to cheat on you. You forced me to cheat on you. It was the only thing I could do to get your attention.”

Me:
“I know, and thank you so much for doing that. I couldn’t have come up with a better excuse to break up with you.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Mum-suspicious-that-I-secretly-take-drugs:
“You look weaker since the last time you were back home.”

Me:
“Must be because of all the heroine I’ve been shooting up.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Lebanese-Australian-dude-from-the-class-I-used-to-tutor:
“Bro, would you mind taking another look at my assignment, bro?”

Me:
“You’ll have to put in a special request through the Student Centre if you want your assignment re-assessed.”

Lebanese-Australian-dude-from-the-class-I-used-to-tutor:
“Bro, from one brother to another. The Professor is a racist. Bro, they’re all fucking racist here. They don’t want our kind to progress so they fuckin’ fail us bro.”

Me:
“The assignments are marked and reviewed by all the tutors in the course. I can assure you the tutors don’t have the time to isolate one particular Lebanese guy from the entire course in a conspiracy to keep the Middle-Eastern population from progressing at University.”

Lebanese-Australian-dude-from-the-class-I-used-to-tutor:
“Come on, bro. Fucking take another look at my assignment. I worked hard on this shit. Help a brother out against these fucking racists.”

Me:
“Abdul, have you ever considered the possibility that your bad grades at university aren’t due to a massive conspiracy by the evil white population of Australia to keep the non-whites from progressing in society but rather due to the more than obvious fact that you’re a fucking idiot?”

Lebanese-Australian-dude-from-the-class-I-used-to-tutor:
“Sir, I don’t think you should be using words like that when speaking to a student. I’m very offended.”

(This actually happened. He filed a complaint against me and I was issued an official warning shortly after informing me that I should refrain from using offensive language against students or any members of the staff. The conspiracy to keep non-whites from progressing in society turned out to be true, turns out we’re all working very hard against one another to keep each other from progressing in society.)

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Dude-who-clearly-looked-racist-but-just-forgot-to-apply-sunscreen:
“Got a spare durry, mate?”

Me:
“Sorry..I’ve only got one left.” (show him the box to prove I’m not lying)

Dude-who-clearly-looked-racist-but-just-forgot-to-apply-sunscreen:
“Ahh that’s alright, mate. Have a nice day!”

Me:
“Actually, you turned out not to be a racist. I could’ve sworn you would be. How about I let you have my last cigarette to apologise for even entertaining that bigoted thought process in my head?”

Dude-who-clearly-looked-racist-but-just-forgot-to-apply-sunscreen:
“Ahh, mate I get that all the time. It’s just that I forgot to apply sunscreen today. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go remind some chinese people they need to stop stealing our jobs and go back to their country. Cheers for the durry, mate!

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Me-to-myself:
“Maybe if I keep talking to myself, the world will make more sense?”

Myself-to-me:
“Yeah, have you considered writing it all down and turning it into a book?”

Me-to-myself:
“That’s a fucking great idea!”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

My-Boss:
“Your pupils are the size of M&M’s.”

Me:
“Those M&M’s look like the size of my pupils.”

My-Boss:
“Those aren’t M&M’s. You’re high as a kite.”

Me:
“Fuck, I love M&M’s.”

My-Boss:
“You’re fired.”

Me:
“Can I atleast take the M&M’s with me?”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Random-dude-who-wanted-to-buy-a-picture-I-drew:
“How much for the painting?”

Me:
“It’s not for sale.”

Another-random-dude-who-wanted-the-picture-I-drew:
“Can I have that painting?”

Me:
“Sure.”

First-Random-dude:
“What the fuck? I just asked you for that painting and you said it ain’t for sale.”

Me:
“You never said you wanted the painting.”

Random-dude-who-got-my-picture-to-the-dude-who-offered-to-pay-for-it:
“I’ll sell it to you for a million dollars?”

First-random-dude-who-wanted-to-buy-the-picture-I-drew:
“Fuck yeah!”

Me:
“I hope a red-hot fire-truck rams into my pretentious anti-consumerist arsehole.”

Both-random-dudes-in-unison:
“That can be arranged for a million dollars?”

Me:
“Deal.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Hypochondriac-at-the-hospital-waiting-room:
“I think I have lung cancer again.”

Nurse:
“That’s really stressful. Would you happen to have a spare cigarette?”

Hypochondriac-at-the-hospital-waiting-room:
“Why yes, I do!”

Nurse:
“Aha! Got’cha. You lying, conniving, bastard. If you really were a real hypochondriac, you would’ve quit smoking by now.

The-Lying-Conniving-Bastard:
“Shit, you’re a smart one. I must confess, I don’t think I have lung cancer. I keep coming back because I think you’re hot.”

Nurse:
“The psychiatric ward is down the road.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Hitler-to-me:
“Let’s get baked.”

Me:
“Argh..nah drugs are for thugs.”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

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