After a sudden demise; it’s much simpler to assume what could’ve, should’ve, or would’ve been done.
It’s easier to share the words, “Our Hearts and Prayers go out to their families”.
It’s much more complicated to understand and comprehend the seriousness of a sudden demise, of why a happy soul would suddenly choose to end ones life.
Upon hearing of the demise of the young Rapper Mac Miller; I didn’t have much to relate to young man except for the fact that we’re both the same age.
I was inspired, truly, by his achievements.
Of how far he’d come in life in pursuing his dreams.
And yet there’s a sense of hollowness to it all; because the only thing I can relate to is how hard is often is to explain to the outside world what “Inner Struggle” truly is.
It’s not the same for everybody.
It’s not a textbook formula, a 1+1=2 conclusion.
People struggle differently; we’re all unique.
We might think and ponder why the man who seemed to have it would end his life in such a sudden manner, a man who travelled the world and enjoyed cultures beyond my scope of comprehension. A man who truly was an iconic figure to me; Anthony Bourdain.
I can’t relate to Anthony Bourdain or Mac Miller, because I did not know them; I only knew a painted version of them. A mask, a public image.
As a survivor and mental health patient myself, it’s difficult for me to take appreciation in what many proclaim to be my grandest of achievements.
Because to me, the struggle is never over.
The struggle is a day-to-day battle I must overcome to get going and not stray too far from who I am.
I embrace my struggle. Though it’s hard to explain it, almost impossible for anybody to ever understand it — it’s not uncommon for people to tell me to “Get over it” or assume that I’m ungrateful when deep inside I’m humbled beyond belief and truly fail to express my appreciation.
What death reminds me of is that Life is very fragile, and the oversharing culture that we breed into our society does not help destigmatise the problem.
It only makes it worse for those who suffer.
Who could ever truly understand the depths of someone so seemingly “successful” and “happy”, to be truly depressed.
The problem isn’t that we don’t try, it’s that we try too hard.
Whilst sharing and commenting is a great way of social engagement; I’ve never felt comfortable doing so.
As a matter of fact, I didn’t attend my University Graduation because I couldn’t bare the thought of standing up on a stage and be proclaimed as a “Shinning example of Academic Excellence”, what the fuck does that even mean to me?
My Academic Excellence didn’t help cure the feeling of helplessness, conquering my inner battle with Depression, it only made it worse.
After the Graduation came the expectation, one that I did not want and did not expect.
Jobs offers I wasn’t interested in, and the constant grilling I’d receive for burning bridges.
It’s difficult for me to put into words exactly what it feels like to be truly happy.
But I’ll say that being kind to others is the only thing that truly does bring me joy.
Being able to find happiness at the innocence of a young child giggling at my goofy glasses.
Being able to feel true warmth after receiving a smile from a stranger.
Being able to sit next to an old lady on a bus telling me how one of the best things about getting old is free bus rides, and truly find joy in the conversation.
That’s what brings me happiness.
But to the outside world that views me, their definition of joy might be how lucky I am to be able to afford a nice car or a decent house.
For me the joy would be to burn it all down in flames, so that I could enjoy the expression on their faces.
To conclude, tragedy of a person’s demise is nothing but sad and often impossible to understand.
The only condolence I do have to offer is that I hope they enjoyed a wonderful life and brought joy to others — and at some moment in their lives felt truly happy.