Abraham Lincoln recalls how much tougher “Booty Calls” used to be.

“white concrete statue” by Patrick Perkins on Unsplash

A tiresome Abraham Lincoln spoke today at a Youth-Convention on the advantages of technology. It seems that the subject of his interest seemed to be one shared by the audience; one he believes the younger generation has taken for granted.

“Dear Young Folks,

I remember a time when the term “Booty Call” meant more than just a casual moment of disgust and embarrassment once you realise there were no booties responding to your calls.

I remember a time when men had to wait. Weeks. Months. Years. Finally the telegram would return, as a man would usher ‘You up?’, awaiting the response he’d hope for — and let down by the anger, hatred, and disgust with ones sober realisation.

There is no booty for the desperate ramblings of a raging alcoholic.

Now it’s Snapchat and Pornhub for you people. Back in our day, all we had were photographs of our sweethearts, soberly dressed, with an expression that could tame even the wildest of horses.

Speaking of horses, I remember once I wrote to my sweet heart of how my genitals resembled one; at the end of a drunken bender after my famous speech at Gettysburg.

It took weeks before I finally received a response, as I hastily opened the letter with cold wind blowing my hat and stroking my beard; ‘You mean smelly and hairy?’, was her response to my horse resembling genitals.

Clearly the meaning had been lost in translation; as did the romance.

So next time, you gentlemen decide to booty-call that special someone, I hope you remember of how lucky you are today, of how blessed the nerds have been to you perverts; to allow you to embarrass yourself on a grandiose scale.

Almost instantly.

Remember boys, if my days of Presidency have taught me anything it is this — No woman wants to see your hairy penis at Three O’ Clock in the morning.

Just rub one off and go to sleep — you’ll be proud of yourself the next day.

Yours truly,

OH WHAT THE FUCK WHO IS THAT GUY WITH THE GU…”

— End of Speech —

I failed to learn the piano, so I decided I’d play the keyboard instead. //All aboard the Crazytrain.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store