1- They seem “Too happy” when you leave the house.
This is usually the first and easiest tell if your child has been cheating on you behind your back, as you slave away at work so that you can provide for this monstrosity that is largely a result of your own doing. Every time you’re a little too late for work, or decided to take a ‘day off’; your child instantly erupts with immense enthusiasm “Aren’t you going to work today?”.
2- They ask about “Your day” too much.
This is a sneaky trick, one that I learnt to master quite early at age. Parents won’t ask about my day if I keep asking about theirs, hence dodging every opportunity they might have to inquire about “where I’ve been all day”.
3- They avoid eye contact and go the bathroom too much.
You come from a long day at work, all you need is a hug; “where’s my children!”, You think to yourself. Well guess what? They’re “texting”. When they finally emerge and you wonder where they’re been, they swiftly walk past mumbling “I was in the bathroom!!”. LIES! They were at a crack-den.
4- They never want you to meet their “friends”.
If you’re worried your child doesn’t have friends, don’t worry. They have friends with benefits, which to the older audience means that those “study groups” aren’t exactly for “studying”; if you know what I mean.
5- They always want you to “drop them outside”.
Your lovely child comes up to you with a glimmer of hope in their eyes, it’s their friend’s birthday today and they’d like you to drop them off to their “friend’s” house. You wonder why you weren’t informed earlier but their hypnotic eyes do the magic and you succumb to their seemingly humble request. Only when you the destination, you’re abruptly informed “Alright, Thanks. This is fine, it’s far enough. I can walk up to the house myself”. Follow them in, I say, they’re up to no good!
6- They aren’t wearing the same clothes when they left the house.
Your child returns from an innocent day out with their “friends”, everything seems fine. You notice your child has a smirk on their face, hmm must’ve been a “good time”. Until you notice, “wait a minute! you weren’t wearing that shirt when you left the house” — with a bewildered look, they try to turn the guilt on you “YEAH MUM AND DAD I WAS PROBABLY SMOKING CRACK SO I GUESS THEY STOLE MY CLOTHES!”. You feel ashamed for even asking.
7- They “overshare” your family secrets to the “outsiders”.
You invite your work-friends and relatives over to your house for a nice summer Barbecue. Those grilled chicken and steaks won’t grill themselves, so you do what any good parent does — get another parent to do it by praising how good they are at “grilling”. Suddenly you notice, hmm…those children seem to be really “getting along”, you walk over like Sherlock Holmes and inquire “…so what are you kids talking about?” — You child gives a cold murderous stare and gives you an ultimatum “Nothing”. You walk away in shame.
8- They act like “Fredo” from the Godfather.
“I KNOW IT WAS YOU FREDO!”, as you deeply sob noticing the same tell-tale signs that your child knows way too much about the rival families. When you invite their families over, and your child accidentally slips up and asks eloquently “So how was your trip to Havana?”. It ain’t no coincidence they knew about Havana, they probably helped plan the trip. Cut ’em loose. Send them off on a fishing boat, use Anthony but change his plans the last minute; Anthony can’t join you on the fishing trip today, Sorry — YOU LYING SON A OF…
9- They think you’re “funny”.
Come on, look in the mirror. You know you’re not funny. This is all a mind game, they’re hiding their lies and guilt behind their seemingly innocent and hysterical laughter. Pull a Joe Pesci on them — “You think I’m funny? Funny how? Funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? WHAT THE F*** IS SO FUNNY ABOUT ME?”. They tell you to stop cussing, see what did they did there? They just made you feel guilty. It’s all mind-games with these ones.
10- They think you look “good today”.
You don’t look good, you’re a parent. No parent looks good to their children. They know deep down the only way to gain your trust is to play with your self-esteem. Boost your ego. Give you those cups that say “You’re the best”. They just want to make sure the income stays steady and you keep on motivated so that one day they might inherit the wealth you’ve amassed. Cut ’em out of the Will, I say!
As a great philosopher once said, “Some times you have to let your loved ones go, like birds. Let them fly away and get fucked up; and someday they’ll find their way back to you. Back to your basement. After a life’s worth of shame and rejection”.